This post contains all the bear grylls jokes you need to make your day
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1. Bear Grylls dosn’t survive the jungle, the jungle survives Bear Grylls.
2. Bear Grylls dosn’t cheat death, he wins fair and square.
3. Bear Grylls dosn’t chase down a meal, the jungle provides him food and water at his very whim.
4. Chuck Norris cannot round house kick Bear Grylls in the face, for he can build any impenetrable fortress out of leaves, sticks and the spirits of the jungle.
5. It is a known fact that Bear Grylls once broke his back during a parachute accident while in the British Special Forces. Lesser known is the fact that he built a makeshift hospital in the wilderness and performed back surgery on himself using only a knife, a flint, and a water bottle.
6. In the wild, Bear Grylls eats all kinds of bugs and twigs for the protein. In civilization, he eats spare car parts for the iron.
7. Bear Grylls’ peculiar name is derived from two things: his favorite food, and the manner in which he likes to cook it.
8. It’s a well known fact that in the event of nucleuar holocaust two things would TRUELY survive; cockroaches and Bear Grylls, aftwards Bear would simply eat the cockroaches for protien.
9. Bear Grylls has died twice but managed to survive and escape heaven each time.
10. Whilst fishing with his bare hands, Bear Grylls accidentally won a Fishing Tournament that was being held 2 miles downstream. When awarded with the trophy, Grylls sharpened it on a rock and used it to kill a nearby grisly.
11. In 2005 he led a team of five British men on the first unassisted crossing of the North Atlantic Arctic Ocean, in an open rigid inflatable boat. Bear Grylls simply tied the boat to a rope around his waist and toed the raft. Icerbergs, sharks, and storms were too afraid to get in his way.
12. FACT: On one occasion, there was a leak in Bear Gryll’s house. He then built shelter underneath the leak in the ceiling and made a fire to survive.
13. Bear Grylls was once so hungry he actually did eat a horse. The only thing he spat out was the jockey’s schuberth helmet.
14. Bears actually get their name from Bear Grylls, who created them one day when he couldn’t find anything else to fight and eat.
15. Amongst themselves, lions actually agree that Bear Grylls is the King of the Jungle.
16. Bear Grylls was the original Sisyphus, except at the first go he got to the top, climbed onto the rock and slapped Zeus in the face.
17. Bear Grylls once met medusa in ancient Greece, she told him to look into her eyes, Bear Grylls not wanting to back down from a challenge proceeded to look into her eyes.Little did medusa no that anyone who stares into Bear Grylls eyes gets turned into a block of cheese. Either way he ate her in one mouth full. No one messes with Bear and lives.
18. Bear Grylls walked into a bar, he saw it coming but he walked into it anyway.
19. A man walked upto Bear Grylls, 10 minutes later he crawled away from Bear Grylls.
20. Why did the Dinosaur cross the road? Cause he was trying to get away from Bear Grylls who had just ate the chicken two streets away.
21. Rambo thought he knew the jungle like the back of his hand, now all he knows is the front of Bear Grylls fist.
22. Ghandi said to Bear Grylls “sitting in front of that tank was the most stupid thing any human has ever done” instead of responding to this with words Bear Grylls instead sent Ghandi an invitation to his balloon dinner party.
23. The tortoise and the hair had a race, unfortunately for those two it was lunchtime for Bear Grylls.
24. If you say Bear Grylls 3 times in front of a mirror your jaw breaks.
25. Bear grylls can start fire with water.
26. What do you get when you have Bear Grylls, a drinking straw, and a toothpick? A former S.A.S with a sniper rifle.
27. In 1985 Bear Grylls hunted, killed and ate and entire village of South American Rebels and a United States Army Platoon for protein. The gruesome story was retold in 1987 in the movie “Predator”
28. In an as of yet unaired episode of Man vs. Wild, Bear Grylls shows his viewers how to survive in the center of the earth using only a knife, flint and water bottle.
29. bear grylls is the reason why chuck norris is still alive.
30. If you want to meet Bear Grylls, make sure you are a protected animal, because if you are not, Bear will eat you for protein.
31. Bear Grylls was Chuck Norris’s stunt double. In one episode of Texas Ranger, if you look closely you can see Bear Grylls standing in the back ground.
32. Bear Grylls doesnt need a camera crew he just keeps them around incase he needs extra protien.
33. The reason Bear Grylls doesnt use a gun is that they kill animals to slow.
34. Bear Grylls doesnt need a parachute because the ground would move out off his way.
35. The sun rises in the east and sets in the west because Bear Grylls got tired of carrying a compass.
36. Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer, but Bear Grylls is the only man to know what he taste like.
37. One time when Bear Grylls needed to start a fire, he ate some sand and shit out a magnifying glass.
38. In a past life Bear Grylls was a garbage compactor.