If Harry Potter Did Facebook Updates, Part I
Harry: I’m home. I don’t know why I’m here, or what that scar is though.
Harry: I hate my aunt and uncle, and especially my cousin.
Harry: Owls? You mean magicians haven’t heard of phones? Or twitter?
Harry: Invited to Hogwarts. Gotta catch a train. And get books.
Harry: Friended Hagrid. Big dude. Kinda odd though.
Harry: Just found out I’ve got a huge bank account. I’m loaded.
Harry: Loaded up on school supplies, and got a wand.
Harry: Just friended Ron and Hermoine.
Harry: Joined Gryffindor. Brilliant.
Harry: I hate potions. And Snape.
Harry: I’m gonna have to watch out for Draco. Oh, and I just got a cool broom.
Harry: Just made Gryffindor Quidditch team as seeker. After just a few minutes on a broom no less. Brilliant.
Harry: Who’s Voldemort, and why does he want to kill me?
Harry: What’s a Sorcerer’s Stone? Let me use this new invisibility cloak to figure this out.
Harry: Hermoine sure knows how to use spells and charms.
Harry: They play a mean game of chess here. Hope Ron’s okay.
Harry: Damnit, I thought I liked DADA teacher Quirrel.
Harry: Wish that Dumbledore would be more careful with those spells and charms. Oh, and a heads up about Voldemort would be nice.Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets:
Harry: Back at Hogwarts after another miserable experience with my aunt, uncle, and cousin. Oh, and I can speak in tongues.
Harry: What the heck are muggles and why is someone so angry at them for being here?
Harry: New school year, new DADA teacher, same old Snape. Snape really hates me. What’d I ever do to him?
Harry: Wow. Is the school safe? All these people are getting petrified, and no one seems to know how to stop it.
Harry: Now Hermoine is petrified. Great. I need her help.
Harry: Just found a diary, but its pages are blank. Maybe this will help.
Harry: Who is Tom Riddle?
Harry: So, there I thought Hagrid was a nice guy and this book says otherwise. Wonderful.
Harry: Sat down with Hagrid before he’s hauled off to Azkaban. He says check out his friend, a spider in the forest.
Harry: Wow. Lucky to be back. Just talked with the spider. Gave me plenty to chew on, before he sent his offspring to chew on Ron and me. Perfect timing for Ron’s car to show up and save the day though.
Harry: What’s this? Hermoine left a note saying to look for a basilisk. Wonderful. It’s a snake.
Harry: Great. Now, Ron’s sister Ginny is missing (and she’s kinda cute too).
Harry: Now off with Ron and DADA teacher Lockhart.
Harry: Lockhart’s useless.
Harry: Nice to know that speaking in tongues can open (trap doors). So that’s where the Chamber of Secrets is.
Harry: Lockhart tries to throw a spell on us, but using Ron’s wand is a bad idea.
Harry: Dumbledore’s pet Fawkes is here. So is Tom Riddle. Brilliant. Now, I just have to kill the basilisk before Ginny dies.
Harry: The basilisk is dead, thanks to the Sword of Gryffindor. Guess I picked wisely with the Sorting Hat.
Harry: So, now Dumbledore sits down to explain things? A heads up would be nice. I almost died but for Fawkes’ tears. They should bottle those tears – they could make a fortune.
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban:
Harry: Who is Sirius Black? He’s escaped from Azkaban and someone put a bee in his bonnet.
Harry: I’ve got to get out of this house, so let me catch the night bus.
Harry: Diagon Alley never looked so nice.
Harry: Whew. Finally made it to Hogwarts. What a ride though on the Hogwarts Express. Passed out when something tried to suck my soul dry.
Harry: Good thing that Lupin was around. He’s the new DADA teacher. Maybe he’ll stick around. Seems like a nice guy.
Harry: Snape’s still here, and he still can’t stand me. Feelings are mutual.
Harry: Security is tighter, but why do I not feel a whole lot safer?
Harry: Why is everyone trying to get me? Can’t even play a Quidditch match without those dementors trying to kill me. Glad that Dumbledore managed to save my life, but my broom is toast. I really liked it.
Harry: Lupin’s teaching me some new tricks. It’s hard though. I got a map.
Harry: Ah, so Sirius Black is the guy who gave up my parents to Voldemort who then killed him. I’m gonna kill him.
Harry: Ron’s lost his rat. He blames Hermoine’s cat though. What is it with those two. They act like a married couple.
Harry: Wow. Didn’t see that coming. Ron’s rat is missing a thumb. The only evidence they ever found of Peter P. was a thumb. Hmmmm.
Harry: Lupin stops me from killing Sirius, but that’s because the real traitor was Peter. Damnit, now I’m going to have to find a new DADA because Lupin’s turned into a werewolf. Oh, and Sirius is an animagus? WTF?
Harry: Wish I had more time to fix things. Oh wait, I do – with Hermoine’s help.
Harry: Glad I made friends with Buckbeak, because he just saved my bacon.
Harry: Sirius is my godfather? Cool. Now if I can clear his name. I need to buy Sirius some fathers day gifts.
Harry: Just saved Buckbeak and Sirius in one shot. Brilliant